#56 It's Seems Like No One Actually Unsubscribed So...

College is scary. Applying to college is scary.

I'm in my senior year, excited and thinking "This is going to be the best year ever! I'm totally going to win this year! This year will be awesome!" No.

They lied to me. School is stressful, applying for college is stressful, life is stressful. People change (sometimes what feels like not for the better) and surprise you. Disappointment rolls in regularly if not more often. I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons to miss high school everyday. It even feels like the Duchesne I knew and loved is being taken from me.

One thing that always happens, that always surprises me, that always frightens me is change. To watch change is like watching something die and letting something new and unsettling pop out.

I'm not happy about many things right now. It all confuses me. A few minutes before Anatomy ended, I left class and sat in a bathroom stall, trying to sort out my emotions. It was useless though. I'd need at least five days of silence and a never emptying- cup of tea for that.

I'm feeling so many things, most of them variations or fear and worry. I don't want things to change the way they're changing, but there's not much I can do.

I don't feel like doing much lately, anyway.

#55 NEW BLOG: http://thegoodstudentof2014.blogspot.com/

http://thegoodstudentof2014.blogspot.com/

Go there. Subscribe. I also have a YouTube Channel.

This blog is no more, but my new blog is new and has links vlogs and things and what have you.

So yeah. Go there.

#54 Why I'm Going To Reread The Bible On My Own (And Take Notes This Time)

At school, we all go through the same basic scriptures course. We read through Genesis first, we read what we believe to be the most important books in the Old Testament, the Gospels, Acts, and the various letters. I think we actually skimmed Revelations.

And while it was a great class that I learned a lot from, I feel that there's more that I can learn if I go out and seek the knowledge myself rather than having it thrust upon me as an unwilling 13 year old whose only goal in class is to stare out the window. I'm at a point in my life where I'm questioning everything around me and need guidance for the future. I believe the that the Bible is wealth of knowledge, applicable morals, and ways to live your day to day life as a better Christian. By reading it on my own, I can find ways to personalize the message to my own way of life. Also, it will force me to challenge myself more and force me look at why I believe what I believe rather than just believing it. After doing so, I think my faith will come out that much stronger.

So why I'm rereading the Bible can be summed up in three words: Knowledge, Faith, Strength.

Wish me luck!

#53 To the Radiator Behind the Dance Room

Color me cozy
Color me brown all the way down
From toes to the ceiling
This room is made of oak
Strong and steady
Like the beat of a drum
The hum of the radiator is a lullaby
The chipped lead paint is a story book
The heat a caress
Running its fingers through my hair
Tugging at my consciousness
Color me red
A bright pop
Of pain gained
From loving the heat too much
I can't touch you
But I can feel you
I can see you and your chips
As ready to fall as autumn leaves
And twice as crunchy
Running up and down your side
Like someone kissed you a little too hard
And held you a little too light
Color me white
Like the pole that sits next to you
Streaked with browns
And grays
You are your very own Tricolor
In a country made of melancholy
For you
Truly
I am blue
Baby blue
Blubbering like a child
Because five months later
You were gone
The spot where you radiated rainbows
Was blank

#52 Shit Happens

Shit happens.

Bad things happen to good people. Innocent people are subjected to guilty consciences, accidents happen. No one could've known that there was a banana peel there, we all slip. Spilt milk? No use crying. Life is turned inside out since we all get flipped sometimes. And red? A vital red can go from a healthy purple to a melancholy blue in fewer seconds than it takes for a titration lab to go wrong.

But why? Mankind has always asked themselves why things go wrong, most times to conclude with unsatisfying answers. You can ask your parents, or your teacher, or your priest, but maybe the answer is too simple. Or maybe it's too complicated. You try blaming something or someone. If you're lucky, there's something objectively at fault, something with a name. It's harder if you choose a concept or an action like "society" or "violence". You can try blaming yourself, but that never ends well. You can blame God. Or you can stop believing in God. Either way, you've given up on it.

Who's to say there is any blame? Who's to say you can even help it? There are times when you just can't fix things or help people, at least not on your own. It'll be frustrating and heart breaking and you'll want to scream until your lungs give out. You'll want to spit into the face of the person closest to being the problem, the reason for all this suffering. All this pain and frustration and confusion.

Sometimes things don't make sense. Sometimes shit happens.

#51 Seasonal Affective Disorder

I lived in acres upon acres of bright yellow corn
Touching endless blue skies
Under a honey gold sun
This morning I woke up to tear drop dew
The remnants of winter grieving for itself
The air cool and soft
Patches of green cropped up in big places
And little places
But the green came
Spring has begun
Firmly
Fiercely
Finally
Frighteningly
As the harbinger of death
Of a life
Of a love
Of an era

I had known since the leaves were brown
That budding flowers might ruin the heart just as quickly as sickness
Poisonous pollen infects the season
Proving that time is not the only killer
This heart of mine is no longer a watch
But a time stamp for a memory
I had loved between the crisping of the air and
The gasping of the wind
On the chilling of the mornings
And warmth of the noon sun
Dragging its heat from me
As my winter stayed passionate
Each snow flake - a dying star on my lips
And every cold, shaking breath was a tribute to love
Nervous love
New love
Fragile love
A boy
As sweet as snowflakes
But hot to the touch
Meadows in his irises
He was sunshine on a snow day
I had loved between hail storms
And avalanches
And floods
As the world tried to create itself again
Without meadows
Without sunshine streaming through snowflakes.
By the time the first flower bloomed
My heart had stopped beating
I had loved until love died with the winter

I will bury these memories and let the corn grow over them
I will watch the sun rise and set on the fields
I will sit under the endless sky until it turns black
I will walk away
And watch the sun rise in a new place
I will move on.
I will live on.
I am gone.

#50 The Doll With The Velvet Dress

When you found her
You thought she was a kaleidoscope -

Millions of brightly colored pieces scattered across the floor.
Lilliputian shoes left by the door.
You can still hear the echo of her voice, of her song like
Wind chimes in the breeze you knew it wouldn't last long.
She was fragile

And looked too serene for anyone to know.
Each day she watched you come and go.
Yet you only kept her as part of a collection.
You admired her for prim, pink, proper, passive, porcelain perfection.
She hated you.

You dragged her by the hair.
She begged you not to be shared.
She pleaded with glassy eyes
And you laughed at the size of the sleeve
She kept her heart on.

You used to hold her like she was the last thing you would touch.
She was beautiful before you loved her too much,
But the only thing she despised more than when you adored her
Was when you ignored her.
She loved you.

The day you put her on the shelf
You did not look at her.

Relief turned to fear and fear turned to panic
And her panic was desperate and desperation made her manic
With purpose. She didn't know how to be alone.
She can't learn how to be on her own.
She jumped.

She fell
Down,
Heart first into her shoes,
Because that was the part of her that she wanted to follow you first.

She felt her body all over the floor
Only half of her ear and the tip of her nose made it through the door as you walked in.
Two glassy eyes pleaded with your sole to look down
But the last thing she knew was a crunch.