#32 So You Forgot You Had an Essay Due Today (Aglepta)

Advice column form my alter-ego: Sir Charles Mintleaf
Lessons in Hypotheticals: #1- Aglepta


As the morning dawns upon another shining day of procrastination or plain old ineptitude, you realize that you have not done something, but can't quite figure out what it is.

Why do I feel so uneasy? What's wrong?

Well, you may have forgotten to brush your teeth.

No, it's something bigger, I can feel it.

Have you showered yet?

Yeah, but it's still something bigger...

It might have something to do with it being 7:30 on a Tuesday, an essay that's due at 10:30, but that's purely guesswork.

Oh crap. Elephant crap.

That sums it up about perfectly. Large, unavoidable, stinky. Unless you take another, larger, crap to hide that crap under.

That's both disgusting and a horrible comparison.

But accurate, no?

.........No, it is not. Is this late assignment going to be a problem for me?

It would seem that you can't really afford anymore mishaps in this class. The teacher already hates you.

That's impossible. What did I even do?

For starters, you threw rotting fruit at her children, pushed her down the stairs, and were actually able to insult every race on Earth during a class discussion.

Even the Swedish Troll folk?

Especially the Swedish Troll folk.

So, I'm essentially screwed....?

No, no, not at all.

Then, how do I get out of this?

Out of it? Who do you think I am, a functional Wizard of Oz? No, no, no. I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to be able to hand this essay in on time.

What's first?

First you need to sneak into school. Do you have any inconspicuous clothing? Maybe a hoodie, or a ski mask?

Actually, I have both.

Good. Sketchy. A little concerning. But good. Wear both. Your intimidation factor will make the others avoid you, allowing you more room to navigate the halls.

Alright, I'm in the school. What's next?

Next you are going to shimmy up into the ventilation syste-

What?

You are going to shimmy-

No.

What did you just say?

No, I am not going to shimmy into anything. That's weird and-

Excuse me, but who is the advice columnist?

You.

And who has injured his teacher, insulted the Swedish Trolls, is currently lurking around their school in a suspicious ski mask because a strange disembodied voice told them to, and is then going to try and act all cool about it?

Me.

Thank you! Now that we have reaffirmed our roles, I'd you to shimmy your ungrateful butt into that vent.

I'll do it, but what's wrong with the stairs? It's less dusty, a wider space to fit through, and generally faster.

Because in the stairwell, you wouldn't be able to shoe-horn yourself into a small enough hole.

Wait a minute, you mean I'm stuck in this vent?!

Yep. With your body stuck in there from the waist up, I'm pretty sure no one will know that you're writing your essay right now. You have approximately 2 1/2 hours until anyone will be able to attempt to drag you out of the vent. You can thank me later.

..... WHAT THE HELL.....

What are you talking about? You've got your time, you've got paper and a pencil. Have at it, boy. I can't give you divine inspiration as well.

YOU STUCK ME IN A VENT WITHOUT ANY FRIGGING PAPER, WITHOUT A FRIGGING PENCIL-

Are you kidding me? Reach under your hoodie. You find a packet of college ruled paper and a pack of sharp number two pencils.

Oh my lord, it's there. How did you put that inside of my clothing?

I think you're losing sight of the goal here.

Have you been stalking me? Did you put this in my clothing before I woke up today? Are you really a wizard? Is this really a vent? Are you going to kill me?

One of the above. How about you write that essay?

..........I'm going to die here aren't I?

Don't be so melodramatic. Just write your essay.




In the end that kid never did finish their essay, but that child learned a valuable lesson that day. When you mess with the Swedish Trolls, you get the Aglepta.

Fun game - Try to guess which of these questions are answered with a yes:

Have you been stalking me? Did you put this in my clothing before I woke up today? Are you really a wizard? Is this really a vent? Are you going to kill me?

# 31 Emptying My Pockets

While emptying my pockets, I found:

- a periodic table (color coded)
- a sandwich bag full of Bobby pins
- a silver marble
- a bookmark with a prayer by St. Ignatius on it
- a flash drive
- a handful of safety pins

#30 To Whom It May Concern

As you know, I have not updateD the blog in sometime now. This is not because I am abandoning it, or forgot about it. I simply needed a break and I took one. And you know what? Skip the next line of text, Mongolian Sweetheart.




I want a motherfucking churro.




You can read again Mongo. I want a churro. I don't know why. It's probably just a base human instinct for your mind to consider some sort of Mexican food at some point during hunger. Like how every once in while you entertain the thought of your own sitcom or frying something that should never, ever be fried.

As a person who has traveled much between two states, I know a thing or two about travel. The luxury of a good hotel is priceless. Well, actually no, it does have a price and can usually be found on a website or the inside of a well made pamphlet. But in all that luxury you can never find the things you love to eat, usually because they're too common to be served at such a "fine" establishment or because of legal reasons it cannot be fed to the general public. Fried twinkies, mentos followed up with a cocktail of five different types of Coke, and street churros that are, for some inexplicable reason, smothered in hot sauce.

Perhaps it's just the cheapskate in me, but I thoroughly enjoy cheap foods. There's just something about a delicious bag of something known to cause heart disease that makes you feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just my arteries clogging. Hm.

In any case, I can't deny my current, probably short-lived love of fried Mexican pastries. Maybe one day I'll find that street vendor again. I am sure that that is the only time in my life I have eaten a tasty churro covered in hot sauce.

Ah, churro. You flighty temptress.