#56 It's Seems Like No One Actually Unsubscribed So...

College is scary. Applying to college is scary.

I'm in my senior year, excited and thinking "This is going to be the best year ever! I'm totally going to win this year! This year will be awesome!" No.

They lied to me. School is stressful, applying for college is stressful, life is stressful. People change (sometimes what feels like not for the better) and surprise you. Disappointment rolls in regularly if not more often. I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons to miss high school everyday. It even feels like the Duchesne I knew and loved is being taken from me.

One thing that always happens, that always surprises me, that always frightens me is change. To watch change is like watching something die and letting something new and unsettling pop out.

I'm not happy about many things right now. It all confuses me. A few minutes before Anatomy ended, I left class and sat in a bathroom stall, trying to sort out my emotions. It was useless though. I'd need at least five days of silence and a never emptying- cup of tea for that.

I'm feeling so many things, most of them variations or fear and worry. I don't want things to change the way they're changing, but there's not much I can do.

I don't feel like doing much lately, anyway.

#55 NEW BLOG: http://thegoodstudentof2014.blogspot.com/

http://thegoodstudentof2014.blogspot.com/

Go there. Subscribe. I also have a YouTube Channel.

This blog is no more, but my new blog is new and has links vlogs and things and what have you.

So yeah. Go there.

#54 Why I'm Going To Reread The Bible On My Own (And Take Notes This Time)

At school, we all go through the same basic scriptures course. We read through Genesis first, we read what we believe to be the most important books in the Old Testament, the Gospels, Acts, and the various letters. I think we actually skimmed Revelations.

And while it was a great class that I learned a lot from, I feel that there's more that I can learn if I go out and seek the knowledge myself rather than having it thrust upon me as an unwilling 13 year old whose only goal in class is to stare out the window. I'm at a point in my life where I'm questioning everything around me and need guidance for the future. I believe the that the Bible is wealth of knowledge, applicable morals, and ways to live your day to day life as a better Christian. By reading it on my own, I can find ways to personalize the message to my own way of life. Also, it will force me to challenge myself more and force me look at why I believe what I believe rather than just believing it. After doing so, I think my faith will come out that much stronger.

So why I'm rereading the Bible can be summed up in three words: Knowledge, Faith, Strength.

Wish me luck!

#53 To the Radiator Behind the Dance Room

Color me cozy
Color me brown all the way down
From toes to the ceiling
This room is made of oak
Strong and steady
Like the beat of a drum
The hum of the radiator is a lullaby
The chipped lead paint is a story book
The heat a caress
Running its fingers through my hair
Tugging at my consciousness
Color me red
A bright pop
Of pain gained
From loving the heat too much
I can't touch you
But I can feel you
I can see you and your chips
As ready to fall as autumn leaves
And twice as crunchy
Running up and down your side
Like someone kissed you a little too hard
And held you a little too light
Color me white
Like the pole that sits next to you
Streaked with browns
And grays
You are your very own Tricolor
In a country made of melancholy
For you
Truly
I am blue
Baby blue
Blubbering like a child
Because five months later
You were gone
The spot where you radiated rainbows
Was blank

#52 Shit Happens

Shit happens.

Bad things happen to good people. Innocent people are subjected to guilty consciences, accidents happen. No one could've known that there was a banana peel there, we all slip. Spilt milk? No use crying. Life is turned inside out since we all get flipped sometimes. And red? A vital red can go from a healthy purple to a melancholy blue in fewer seconds than it takes for a titration lab to go wrong.

But why? Mankind has always asked themselves why things go wrong, most times to conclude with unsatisfying answers. You can ask your parents, or your teacher, or your priest, but maybe the answer is too simple. Or maybe it's too complicated. You try blaming something or someone. If you're lucky, there's something objectively at fault, something with a name. It's harder if you choose a concept or an action like "society" or "violence". You can try blaming yourself, but that never ends well. You can blame God. Or you can stop believing in God. Either way, you've given up on it.

Who's to say there is any blame? Who's to say you can even help it? There are times when you just can't fix things or help people, at least not on your own. It'll be frustrating and heart breaking and you'll want to scream until your lungs give out. You'll want to spit into the face of the person closest to being the problem, the reason for all this suffering. All this pain and frustration and confusion.

Sometimes things don't make sense. Sometimes shit happens.

#51 Seasonal Affective Disorder

I lived in acres upon acres of bright yellow corn
Touching endless blue skies
Under a honey gold sun
This morning I woke up to tear drop dew
The remnants of winter grieving for itself
The air cool and soft
Patches of green cropped up in big places
And little places
But the green came
Spring has begun
Firmly
Fiercely
Finally
Frighteningly
As the harbinger of death
Of a life
Of a love
Of an era

I had known since the leaves were brown
That budding flowers might ruin the heart just as quickly as sickness
Poisonous pollen infects the season
Proving that time is not the only killer
This heart of mine is no longer a watch
But a time stamp for a memory
I had loved between the crisping of the air and
The gasping of the wind
On the chilling of the mornings
And warmth of the noon sun
Dragging its heat from me
As my winter stayed passionate
Each snow flake - a dying star on my lips
And every cold, shaking breath was a tribute to love
Nervous love
New love
Fragile love
A boy
As sweet as snowflakes
But hot to the touch
Meadows in his irises
He was sunshine on a snow day
I had loved between hail storms
And avalanches
And floods
As the world tried to create itself again
Without meadows
Without sunshine streaming through snowflakes.
By the time the first flower bloomed
My heart had stopped beating
I had loved until love died with the winter

I will bury these memories and let the corn grow over them
I will watch the sun rise and set on the fields
I will sit under the endless sky until it turns black
I will walk away
And watch the sun rise in a new place
I will move on.
I will live on.
I am gone.

#50 The Doll With The Velvet Dress

When you found her
You thought she was a kaleidoscope -

Millions of brightly colored pieces scattered across the floor.
Lilliputian shoes left by the door.
You can still hear the echo of her voice, of her song like
Wind chimes in the breeze you knew it wouldn't last long.
She was fragile

And looked too serene for anyone to know.
Each day she watched you come and go.
Yet you only kept her as part of a collection.
You admired her for prim, pink, proper, passive, porcelain perfection.
She hated you.

You dragged her by the hair.
She begged you not to be shared.
She pleaded with glassy eyes
And you laughed at the size of the sleeve
She kept her heart on.

You used to hold her like she was the last thing you would touch.
She was beautiful before you loved her too much,
But the only thing she despised more than when you adored her
Was when you ignored her.
She loved you.

The day you put her on the shelf
You did not look at her.

Relief turned to fear and fear turned to panic
And her panic was desperate and desperation made her manic
With purpose. She didn't know how to be alone.
She can't learn how to be on her own.
She jumped.

She fell
Down,
Heart first into her shoes,
Because that was the part of her that she wanted to follow you first.

She felt her body all over the floor
Only half of her ear and the tip of her nose made it through the door as you walked in.
Two glassy eyes pleaded with your sole to look down
But the last thing she knew was a crunch.

#49 Like I Wish You Could Have Been

WE'RE ALL DYING TOO SLOWLY TOO SLOWLY
WHILE THE WIND BLOWS SOFT ON MY WINDOW SILL
OUR BODIES ARE STILL
BUT OUR SOULS ARE MOVING
MOVING WITH THAT WIND
SPINNING IN THE BREEZE
EASY
PEASY
LOVEY
DOVEY
LIKE YOU WISH YOU COULD'VE BEEN
YOU WERE TOO STIFF
TO BE AS LIVELY AS LOVE NEEDED YOU TO BE
AND AS UNSEEMLY AS IT SEEMS
YOU DO NEED TO MOVE TO MAKE LOVE
SO PLAY POSSUM IN THE STREETS
NOT IN THE BED SHEETS
SWEETHEART
YOUR BODY IS A CANDY COATED CHAMELEON
IN ONE SECOND FLAT
YOU CAN GO FROM A
HOW-MANY-LICKS-TO-THE-CENTER-OF-A-TOOTSIE-POP PEACOCK
TO ME BEING ABLE TO FROST A CUPCAKE WITH YOUR ROT
WHILE YOU LAY THERE LIKE A DEAD FISH
THIS BEDROOM IS NOT A GRAVEYARD
YOUR RESTING PLACE IS GUARDED IS BY A HEADBOARD
NOT A HEAD STONE
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CARVING IMPRINTS OF YOUR FINGERNAILS
IMMORTALIZING LUST IN CHEAP WOOD
NOT SCRATCHING LAZY EPITAPHS TO ROMANCE
FOR GOD'S SAKE
THE LAST SLOW JAM I HEARD WAS A REQUIEM
SWEETHEART
YOU TURNED SO COLD SO QUICKLY
YOU FROZE YOURSELF TO YOUR SIDE OF THE BED
ALL I CAN DO IS DRAW HEARTS INTO THE FROST ON YOUR BACK
AND WATCH YOU SIGHING
BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU'RE STILL BREATHING
BUT I'M STILL WATCHING, STILL WATCHING YOU DYING
TOO SLOWLY TOO SLOWLY
YOUR SOUL IS LEAVING ME
SPINNING IS THE BREEZE
EASY
PEASY
LOVEY
DOVEY
LIKE I WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN

#48 Bleh

I get kind of sick of myself sometimes.

#47 A Really Religious Post (For Me Anyway)

Today, a friend of mine suffered from exceedingly polite homophobia.

It started with a love of all people and justified itself with a bible verse. Now I don't mind bible verses, I actually like quite a few of them. But this is neither the time nor the place for one.

The US Constitution says (and I'm paraphrasing) that it will make no laws respecting a religious institution. And I know, it's the same you've heard a thousand times, seen on YouTube, scoffed at on the internet, but hear me out.

We are all well aware that this is a "rights issue." Not a gay issue, not a marriage issue, not a religious issue, not a liberal or a conservative issue. A rights issue. It is my personal belief that if your belief system does not allow for same-sex marriage, that is an issue for you to discuss with the members of your belief system.

The US government does not have that same privilege. Rights are rights because no one should be able take them away. Whether it be the right to vote, the right to life, or the right to marry.

So before anyone starts making all these inferences about my political stances and religious affiliations, let me drop a few facts for you:

I am a Christian.

I am pro-life.

I am an advocate for gay rights.
__________________________________
Post over. Here's a teeny-tiny rant.

You know what other kind other marriage was illegal until the 70's? Interracial marriage.
You know what else was justified with the religion? Slavery.

Maybe a few Americans need to reinterpret what God is really saying to them.

#46 Here's to Hoping No One Really Reads This Blog Anymore

I know, I know, my 2-3 loyal followers are probably deeply offended, saying "Hey, we've stood by you this whole time" and yes, I (kind of) apologize, but to be honest I have just been sipping on a cocktail of overwhelming emotions for the past few weeks - months? - years, maybe even? Oh, who knows. Who cares?

Either way, I have been feeling unrelentingly low. I'm so low that gravity probably exerts more force around me. So while I will be continuing this blog. I will be writing in another, more private and personal, blog which I will not tell you the name of.

This post is just to say - hey. I can't post everything here.

#45 03/04/1997

Birthdays are curious things, aren't they?

If you are lucky, you are congratulated for having lived one year more. You recieve gifts, a pastry, and well wishes from many people. You will have the ritual candle lighting and singing of Happy Birthday. People who have never bothered to talk to you will stop you in the hall and say "Happy Birthday", but with a smile so it doesn't seem obligatory.

If you are not lucky, people will not remember your birthday. Some may remember and not care. You may not have anyone to not care. You are either disappointed or rightfully pessimistic.

I have usually found myself to be of neutral luck with birthdays. Not because my birthdays have been overwhelmingly plain, but because I have had both wonderful and truly awful birthday experiences.

On my 9th birthday, I spent the entire day volunteering at JC Penney with my mother. I had only had a child-sized pouch of fruit snacks that day because all the other volunteers ate the pizza before we got there.

A week after my 15th birthday, I had a movie night with my friends and my first birthday party.

For my sixteenth birthday, I bought myself a pair of skates, received a tray of cookies, gave cupcakes to my friends, and spent a quiet night at home. I did not have a cake. I did not have a party. This birthday, while not as exciting as the last, was my favorite. Too many times to count, I have been disappointed by people. My family and sometimes my friends. But I came into this birthday with zero expectations. And that's probably what made it so much better.

#44 I'm a Bad Blogger

I'd like to apologize to anyone and everyone who follows this blog. I have been pretty bad about updating and posting regularly, so please forgive me for that.

However, after this long period of inactivity, I will begin posting on a weekly basis.

You better be excited. I'm doing this for you.