Advice column form my alter-ego: Sir Charles Mintleaf
Lessons in Hypotheticals: #1- Aglepta
As the morning dawns upon another shining day of procrastination or plain old ineptitude, you realize that you have not done something, but can't quite figure out what it is.
Why do I feel so uneasy? What's wrong?
Well, you may have forgotten to brush your teeth.
No, it's something bigger, I can feel it.
Have you showered yet?
Yeah, but it's still something bigger...
It might have something to do with it being 7:30 on a Tuesday, an essay that's due at 10:30, but that's purely guesswork.
Oh crap. Elephant crap.
That sums it up about perfectly. Large, unavoidable, stinky. Unless you take another, larger, crap to hide that crap under.
That's both disgusting and a horrible comparison.
But accurate, no?
.........No, it is not. Is this late assignment going to be a problem for me?
It would seem that you can't really afford anymore mishaps in this class. The teacher already hates you.
That's impossible. What did I even do?
For starters, you threw rotting fruit at her children, pushed her down the stairs, and were actually able to insult every race on Earth during a class discussion.
Even the Swedish Troll folk?
Especially the Swedish Troll folk.
So, I'm essentially screwed....?
No, no, not at all.
Then, how do I get out of this?
Out of it? Who do you think I am, a functional Wizard of Oz? No, no, no. I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to be able to hand this essay in on time.
What's first?
First you need to sneak into school. Do you have any inconspicuous clothing? Maybe a hoodie, or a ski mask?
Actually, I have both.
Good. Sketchy. A little concerning. But good. Wear both. Your intimidation factor will make the others avoid you, allowing you more room to navigate the halls.
Alright, I'm in the school. What's next?
Next you are going to shimmy up into the ventilation syste-
What?
You are going to shimmy-
No.
What did you just say?
No, I am not going to shimmy into anything. That's weird and-
Excuse me, but who is the advice columnist?
You.
And who has injured his teacher, insulted the Swedish Trolls, is currently lurking around their school in a suspicious ski mask because a strange disembodied voice told them to, and is then going to try and act all cool about it?
Me.
Thank you! Now that we have reaffirmed our roles, I'd you to shimmy your ungrateful butt into that vent.
I'll do it, but what's wrong with the stairs? It's less dusty, a wider space to fit through, and generally faster.
Because in the stairwell, you wouldn't be able to shoe-horn yourself into a small enough hole.
Wait a minute, you mean I'm stuck in this vent?!
Yep. With your body stuck in there from the waist up, I'm pretty sure no one will know that you're writing your essay right now. You have approximately 2 1/2 hours until anyone will be able to attempt to drag you out of the vent. You can thank me later.
..... WHAT THE HELL.....
What are you talking about? You've got your time, you've got paper and a pencil. Have at it, boy. I can't give you divine inspiration as well.
YOU STUCK ME IN A VENT WITHOUT ANY FRIGGING PAPER, WITHOUT A FRIGGING PENCIL-
Are you kidding me? Reach under your hoodie. You find a packet of college ruled paper and a pack of sharp number two pencils.
Oh my lord, it's there. How did you put that inside of my clothing?
I think you're losing sight of the goal here.
Have you been stalking me? Did you put this in my clothing before I woke up today? Are you really a wizard? Is this really a vent? Are you going to kill me?
One of the above. How about you write that essay?
..........I'm going to die here aren't I?
Don't be so melodramatic. Just write your essay.
In the end that kid never did finish their essay, but that child learned a valuable lesson that day. When you mess with the Swedish Trolls, you get the Aglepta.
Fun game - Try to guess which of these questions are answered with a yes:
Have you been stalking me? Did you put this in my clothing before I woke up today? Are you really a wizard? Is this really a vent? Are you going to kill me?
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