#10 One Long Vent

I'm going to put the end of post nine on hiatus. One: so that I can figure out an appropriate time to post it. Two: so that I can write up an application form for the PDC's.

But anyways.

Shtuff happens in September, but it's really October that one needs to overcome. What came in September was bad, but inevitable. It was bound to happen from the start, but if those bad things had never happened, the good things would have never happened, either. So that part is okay. But whatever bad things happen in October is entirely your own doing. It might seem fun and exciting at first, but the odds stack up against you, and in the end you see how stupid you've been. You've got to build yourself "Brick by Boring Brick" instead making a temporary, unstable bridge "Over the Rainbow". And while people say building a fantasy world is like a carefully constructed web, it is more like being a gymnast. To come out completely unscathed and all you points and pride intact, you have to do each movement perfectly and gracefully or you risk mangling yourself for the world to see. Or you could choose not to even compete at all and just be a spectator, but what's the fun in that?

Nothing unless you like bad popcorn.

I remember I was once carefree. In a way I am still am, just less so in some regards. No I don't have to provide for myself, but I am awfully lonely at home. School isn't impossible, but with each week comes new challenges and my head keeps spinning. I am legitimately terrified of letting my GPA get too low. I have to keep at or above a 3.6 all year, or else I lose my scholarship and get kicked out of school. I'm not sure I could adjust to normal teenage society, seeing as I am socially crippled and socially awkward and sometimes unable to form fluid sentences. Despite being a child, I don't feel free. I wake up, go to school and come home, repeat. And while I like the school part it (well, damn- I LOVE THE SCHOOL PART OF IT) I feel like my life is one big oval.

When I was in middle school I barely spoke. I said maybe less than 100 words a day. Now I just want to scream every single thing in my heart and head from the mountain tops.

You know what I want? A boyfriend. You know what else? I wish I knew boys. Jumper, Mr. Zuckerman, and Lurvy don't count.
And you know what else? I wish I knew boys.

There is an interesting time line for all of these things to happen. My sixteenth birthday.
On that day I will be able to:
-go on dates
-drive (therefore getting places on time)
-wear make up
-who knows? Maybe I'll fly to a planet where elephants do the cha cha with elves who like to play the bassoon.

Funny thing is, I've never kissed anybody before. The mere thought of it makes me suddenly want to brush my teeth, and make sure my hair looks okay. I feel like I might never have my first kiss until I'm out of college because my parents are so uptight about, well, everything. The idea of boys frightens and excites me. I haven't seen a boy my age since the eighth grade, and while my memories are somewhat fuzzy, I remember some of those boys were quite awesome. I can still remember the time Ian Brummel complimented me on my sling shot. That was a good day.

I know I might talk a big talk, complete with swears and sexual innuendo, but I am just as innocent as everyone else. And you know something else? I feel as though a lot of people are confused on this subject, but I don't break the law. Besides downloading Internet music, but I always delete it soon after I listen to the songs for a couple minutes. I hate jaywalking. I hate shoplifting. I just hate crime in general. Which is probably why I like cop shows.

I think my favorite color is red. I'm not really sure right now.

I don't like growing up in shadow of brilliant siblings, or seeing my parents disappointment when I have a B, or living in the legacy of an irresponsible sister.

Madame Voiture gets on my nerves. She is not a bad teacher necessarily, just not a very kind one. I will probably have a C or a D in her class. Having French at the end of the day just makes me impatient. Seeing Madame Voiture makes me angry because she doesn't bother to let a student with a D- on a one hundred point test retake it. She just says "Study harder" when the only things that need studying are tests which come only once every blue moon. Most of what we do is busy work or completion grades that we only get two or three times a week.

I think I know why your heart gets all heavy when you're sad. It because your heart starts crying before you do.

I was gonna keep talking until I has nothing left to say, but I am both sleepy and dehydrated.

Final Summation: I am mildly depressed and need to kick October in the pants.

"Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove."
Terry Pratchett